YOUR Life - Blog (June)

Letting go doesn't mean letting down

Have you ever felt you had to pursue a certain landscape of life, except it wasn't painted by you but by a family member or friend who envisioned it for you? Or maybe you at least believed that you owed it to them for some reason?

Everybody in this situation will have their own core reasons. For some, it may have been born out of contempt or competition, while for others it might be inspiring to be like their influence, or for others morals that were instilled in them, experiences that happened, legalistic reasons (believing you need to do something in exchange for something else, e.g. make a certain salary in able to be viewed as valuable by family - which nobody should ever feel like). And maybe a little more commonly: tradition, such as when being a nurse or an engineer or living in the same town has run in the family for generations upon generations and feeling you have to stick with it.

When this idea first popped into my head, I thought that the people who would've struggled with it the most would be students who are about to leave high school or who have just left. What with teachers telling them 'You'd make a great historian', 'You'd make an excellent quarterback for the 49ers', 'Go become a civil engineer, it'd really suit you'. Understandably - especially if the teacher is nice - who would want to disappoint that teacher, or the family member, or friend, or neighbour?

Allow me to let you in on a little secret... your life is your life. Your very own! Not your parents', grandparents', siblings', teachers' or friends'. What does matter is the morals and values, but even those can change as a result of personal experiences. Ideally, you want a career that allow you to be...you.

Secret number two is that the word 'life' isn't made out of the word 'career', 'money' or 'wealth', but instead it's far more valuable than all three combined!

Speaking proverbial, it's better to have a fulfilled life of goodness than one that centres around making a dollar or living up to one's expectations. Here comes secret number three... you have incredible potential. Indescribable, infinite, burning potential, and it's up to you what to make of it; not alone, but with good support to achieve your goals.

Love should play a part in our life choices, but it shouldn't be something that pressures us to do something. Just because someone you admire was them, it doesn't mean we have to walk that same part. It's more to do with their attitude that we should take on if anything, not necessarily what they did for work, where they lived, etc.

We can. We absolutely can. However, if we feel after consideration that we wouldn't be happy doing it or if the long-term effects would probably not meet our expectations it's probably not worth it.

That person you look up to would want the best for you.

Now, I don't know you personally or whatever you have endured or been told, but I'm sure a large number of us can all huddle under the umbrella of 'feeling we owe our lives to someone', almost as a tribute.

This umbrella definitely needs context. A mother and father lead lives that ultimately will help their family and sustain it. That's not what I'm meaning, though.

What I'm getting at is when we believe our future needs to be a tribute to a loved one, out of guilt or grief; those are two examples.

In that case, we are holding onto a balloon that's personal to us and requires a process of letting it go while having it drift nearby. We can also use the balloon as a direct symbol of the person we loved. Maybe we believe if we let go, we are letting them go. I assure you, we are not. They will continue to stay with us. Just don't let the balloon dictate the direction of your life, though it may be different from the life they had, the responsibilities they carried or mistakes we may have made.

You can let the balloon go. Your life is yours.

Don't want to give away spoilers, but in my contemporary romance novel The Chasm Between Us, the main character and narrator Sam struggles with guilt - specifically survivor's guilt - and is plagued by this harrowing feeling of having to pretty much live out his future as a tribute to those he's lost.

In the novel, he's studying as a med student and hopes to be a cardiothoracic surgeon. Up until a significant turning point, he's undecided if that's what he wants to be. His choice to pursue being a surgeon was strongly influenced by surgeons not being able to save those he loved when they were on the operating table.

Therefore, he believes he can be a better surgeon and that by saving precious lives he will be redeeming himself in a way. That's a twisted reason for pursuing a degree.

However Sam's best friend Ryan is also a med student, so it's like they're in it together. Ryan's reason for being a med student is because he naturally has a want to help people but also heart surgeons saved his father's life. Therefore, Ryan's core reasons are gratitude and his natural personality. It's an authentic decision.

In Sam's situation, perhaps he believes he's already in two deep - two years deep - so what's the point in dropping the chase? In a climatic revelation in the novel, Sam learns that his loved ones love him simply for who he is; he couldn't have stopped their deaths, and nothing he does will make them love him less.

This epiphany causes a change in Sam, and he realises he does want to a surgeon. So breaking down the psychological side of his decision bit by bit, he finds that being a surgeon is what he wants to do, and he's able to let go of that balloon of guilt.

Likewise, you can too! Big decisions require taking a look in the mirror and focusing on you, not the people in the background telling you what to do. Though it may be difficult to see at first, those same people are likely to support your decision, and if they don't then it's okay to pave your own path.

As Fleetwood Mac sang, "You can go your own way!"